posted in Parenting
Once upon a time there was nothing I wanted more than a positive pregnancy test. And now, such a thought is the stuff of sudden lurching waking, anxious dreams. (I can never say outright nightmares — never that, but sometimes close).
Once in a while, I still dream that I’m pregnant. Each time, I wake up in a panic. As much as I love my children, to everything there is a season. And my season of being pregnant is absolutely and unequivocally over.
But I do have fever-esque dreams about being pregnant. I wake up with a jolt and feel immensely relieved when I figure out it was just a dream. In a dream, anything is possible. The fact that I’m now a million years old does not enter into the dreaming equation. I wake up. I am, dare I say it, flat out relieved to discover I was only dreaming.
I loved being pregnant, but I definitely never want to be pregnant again.
Of this I am certain.
When did this happen? Those years of procreating were some of the most magical of my life. Well, the most magical. Those memories of pregnancy are very often so lovely and amazing. Those years were crazy — I once calculated the weight I’d gained and lost, and the years I’d nursed and I had to laugh. My own relationship to my body changed such a lot. My physical goals went from sets of hundreds in Pilates (before) to being able to jump on a trampoline without peeing a little with each jump (after).
When I see pregnant women now, I’m happy for them. Once in a while, I even cast back to when I was pregnant and to when my kids were babies. I grow nostalgic for the apparent simplicity of a healthy newborn. (I forget now the sleep deprivation, some of the pleasant monotony).
But I am clear too in my assertion that I cannot even imagine going back. Now, with my kids in school I can reinvent myself. There were years when we were always all together – me and my kids. They were wonder years. When I see younger moms and dads in the midst of these years, I am happy for them.
But a time does come to leave the procreating behind. A time to walk by moms staggering along with car seats and diaper bags and hold the door for them even as one continues on. I loved the infant, toddler and preschool ages. But so too I love watching my children grow up, run toward the school bus and discover themselves.
And I kind of like rediscovering myself too. (That feels kind of great).
Do you have anxious dreams about being pregnant?
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