How dried yogurt saved my life after pregnancy loss

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posted in Parenting

Yesterday, I was struggling to find any meaning in my life. I don’t admit this easily. But as many people know, I recently lost a baby. Now, three months later, I still spend a lot of time feeling down, and depressed, and lost. Okay, most of the time.

Well yesterday, I was very much in a low place, again, wondering what the purpose of anything is. I kept thinking, “Why should I even try to keep going?”

I don’t find enjoyment in too many things. Each day is a struggle. It’s hard not to feel like just giving up. But then, I saw this little face.

Every time she eats, that little face gets covered in whatever she’s eating.

But no one else seems to notice. Everyone is unbothered by yogurt-caked cheeks, or chocolately lips, or a buttery chin. Except me. I’m her mom. I’m the one who cleans the food remnants off her little face, and sends her out into the world, clean.

Yesterday, her little face was covered in the lunch my husband had fed her earlier. And of course he hadn’t noticed that her entire face was coated in dried yogurt. Her older sisters didn’t seem to be onto the state of her face, either.

So, there it was: The reason to keep going. In that dried yogurt on her face, I’d found the meaning behind my life, the why, the how, the will. I needed to be there, to clean off my daughter’s face.

My message is this: If you are feeling low because you lost a pregnancy or a baby, or you’re suffering from postpartum depression, or for whatever reason, find one, tiny little thing that gives you purpose. No matter how small, or insignificant it may seem. And cling to that, like a life preserver. Because it is.

Yesterday, dried yogurt saved my life.

Today, my reason for moving forward might be something completely different. But the idea is to find those things moment after moment, day after day, that, again no matter how, itty-bitty, keep you going. It might be that you got your hair done, and you felt good for just a few minutes. It might be that someone made you laugh, for just a second. It might be that friggin’ Grey’s Anatomy is new next Thursday. It doesn’t matter!

My hope is that maybe, eventually, there will be more reasons to keep going, than reasons not to. That over time things like the dried yogurt on my daughter’s face will add up to joy again, and meaning, and purpose, and I’ll truly want to be here, instead of just being on autopilot, and forcing myself to survive another day.

Today, I’ll be looking for my reason. For now, it’s the tiny hope that I’ll find that purpose today, no matter how small, that is getting me to the next moment, and the next.